Yes, dearest readers, modest little old us have been captured for posterity by those purveyors of limited edition shi...er quality goods, Franklin Munt!  Never again will you have to play with uncool dolls because you’ll be the proud owner of a kewl SoundsXP figurine!   Imagine young Ken, as we shall call him, ligging backstage with the drummer out of some band you’ve never heard of.  Or er drinking outside some exclusive Camberwell off-license.  

No expense has been spared to capture even the most minor detail of the trendy young SoundsXP hack.  Note the hair, sculpted into the latest kooky style by an Aussie crackhead round the back of Tottenham Court Road for a fiver.  The facial hair is the obligatory goatie, supreme at mopping up spilt beer froth and excellent for those chin stroking moments at the back of the venue.  There’s the T-shirt, proclaiming a highly esteemed webzine (oh hang on, no, it’s us) and the sensible trousers complete with turn-ups to capture dropped peanuts or for transporting a pair of young skate punks home.  Then there’s the tickets, probably freebies, to see the hippest latest Detroit garage punk sensations down the Catford Ram.  And note the lack of a notebook and pen, young Ken doesn’t need them as he’s just going to write the exact same piece as last time.  But the SoundsXP doll doesn’t just look authentic, it sounds authentic too.  Pull the string on his back and hear Ken say “They’re the future of wock n woll!”, “What do you mean my name’s not down?” and “Sorry ed, I must have been pissed when I wrote that"

[Note to Sub-Editor – Get Munt on the line and find out why this doll looks uncannily like that tedious twat, self publicising TV chef, Jamie Oliver.  If they’re fobbing us off with someone else’s tat again, I want our money back!  No-one here has a daft looking mullet like that.  Well not since we stopped using that Ronco hair trimmer in the office.  And don’t forget to remove this note, you useless mong!]

Please send your credit card number to KenHell@soundsxp.com.