SoundsXP Message Boards - Indie, Indiepop, Nu-Folk and Alt-Country Forums

*silence*

*cough*

Oh suit yourselves...

*sound of fading footsteps*

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Back off Warchild, seriously.

http://elvers.bandcamp.com/

>>
>>I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
>>
>>So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
>>said,"Do you want an aquarium?"
>>I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
>>
>>I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me
>>a Volkswagen with no driver.
>>
>>My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
>>
>>I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
>>said, "You've got cholera."
>>
>>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
>>it down.
>>
>>I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on
>>and on.
>>
>>My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
>>I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>>
>>So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
>>I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
>>He said, "No, this is for the custard."
>>
>>This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
>>paper.
>>He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
>>
>>So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
>>It was a turtle disaster.
>>
>>So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
>>She said "Tenpin?"
>>I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
>>
>>So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
>>He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
>>He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
>>He said "You're closest"
>>
>>So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
>>on it.
>>I thought that's Aboriginal.
>>
>>I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing
>>a cat in there.
>>
>>I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
>>the splits.
>>He said, "How flexible are you?"
>>I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
>>
>>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
>>'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'"
>>
>>So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
>>I said "Are you two an item?".
>>
>>So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
>>tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
>>
>>So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
>>He said Eurostar?".
>>I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
>>
>>I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
>>arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
>>
>>A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
>>"Pint please, and one for the road."
>>
>>A Penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman "Has my brother been
>>in?"
>>Barman says "I dunno, what's he look like?"

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Jarvis Cocker or David Bowie or AVB or Johnny Borrell, she isn't picky

Cavey Cocker, Cup Cake Queen, Saint Thomas.

Why did the Baker smell?

Cos he needed a poo.

Courteousy of Jarvis Cocker in one of last weekends broadsheet magazine.

_________________
GREENFORD ROCK CITY!

Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.

As long as there's sex and drugs, I can do without the Rock 'n' Roll....

_________________
Tall, moustachioed alcoholic - plays firewood with a bow.

Two sales assistants have a chin wag at the check out.

girl no.1 :"You know, I can tell the marital status of a man just by what they buy."

girl no. 2: "No way, prove it!"

girl no.1: "ok, see this man, he's bought 2 sandwiches, 2 cans of fanta and 2 packets of crisps. He's definitely married."

lo and behold, it turns out he is married.

girl no. 2 "How did you know?"

girl no.1: "Well, he purchased two of each item, one for him and one for his wife."

girl no.2: "What about this guy?"

the next man goes to the check out and purchases 1 sandwich, 1 can of coke and 1 packet of crisps.

girl no. 1: "He's single."

She's right.

girl no. 2 "How did you know?"

girl no. 1:"He's an ugly cunt"

_________________
Tall, moustachioed alcoholic - plays firewood with a bow.