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| Joke Thread https://www.soundsxp.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=10016 |
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| Author: | Bovine Juice [ Tue Nov 28, 2006 4:23 pm ] |
| Post subject: | Joke Thread |
*silence* *cough* Oh suit yourselves... *sound of fading footsteps* |
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| Author: | dookerdoo [ Tue Nov 28, 2006 5:43 pm ] |
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| Author: | Bovine Juice [ Wed Nov 29, 2006 2:35 pm ] |
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>> >>I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button. >> >>So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy >>said,"Do you want an aquarium?" >>I said, "I don't care what star sign it is." >> >>I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me >>a Volkswagen with no driver. >> >>My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel. >> >>I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He >>said, "You've got cholera." >> >>I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put >>it down. >> >>I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on >>and on. >> >>My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? >>I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me." >> >>So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. >>I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." >>He said, "No, this is for the custard." >> >>This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin >>paper. >>He said, "I want you to trace someone for me." >> >>So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. >>It was a turtle disaster. >> >>So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. >>She said "Tenpin?" >>I said, "No, it's a permanent job." >> >>So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. >>He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" >>He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" >>He said "You're closest" >> >>So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen >>on it. >>I thought that's Aboriginal. >> >>I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't swing >>a cat in there. >> >>I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do >>the splits. >>He said, "How flexible are you?" >>I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays." >> >>"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said >>'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.'" >> >>So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. >>I said "Are you two an item?". >> >>So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check >>tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. >> >>So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". >>He said Eurostar?". >>I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". >> >>I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to >>arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. >> >>A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: >>"Pint please, and one for the road." >> >>A Penguin walks into a pub and says to the barman "Has my brother been >>in?" >>Barman says "I dunno, what's he look like?" |
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| Author: | pol pot noodle [ Wed Nov 29, 2006 2:46 pm ] |
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| Author: | Cavey [ Wed Nov 29, 2006 3:37 pm ] |
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| Author: | Beardless Wonder [ Wed Nov 29, 2006 4:06 pm ] |
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| Author: | Bananas [ Wed Nov 29, 2006 11:02 pm ] |
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Why did the Baker smell? Cos he needed a poo. Courteousy of Jarvis Cocker in one of last weekends broadsheet magazine. |
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| Author: | Vodka-Volauvent [ Thu Nov 30, 2006 12:35 pm ] |
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| Author: | matt611 [ Thu Nov 30, 2006 4:37 pm ] |
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| Author: | Vodka-Volauvent [ Fri Dec 01, 2006 4:06 pm ] |
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Two sales assistants have a chin wag at the check out. girl no.1 :"You know, I can tell the marital status of a man just by what they buy." girl no. 2: "No way, prove it!" girl no.1: "ok, see this man, he's bought 2 sandwiches, 2 cans of fanta and 2 packets of crisps. He's definitely married." lo and behold, it turns out he is married. girl no. 2 "How did you know?" girl no.1: "Well, he purchased two of each item, one for him and one for his wife." girl no.2: "What about this guy?" the next man goes to the check out and purchases 1 sandwich, 1 can of coke and 1 packet of crisps. girl no. 1: "He's single." She's right. girl no. 2 "How did you know?" girl no. 1:"He's an ugly cunt" |
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| Author: | Bovine Juice [ Sun Dec 03, 2006 11:23 am ] |
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