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Hi readers. I couldn't
think of anything to write this issue so I thought I'd just reproduce for
you the latest e-mail from my alien pen friend: Hello again puny earthling! Musicians have also played a major role in opposing the recent intergalactic conflict between Zigazig A and Zigazig B. One of the leading anti-war figures, who made a speech at a big demonstation, is called Ms Thermonuclear Laser-guided Photon Blaster. Call me picky but I think her name slightly undermines her message. Oh well, must go. The
trouble with being a giant-winged creature is that I only have 24 hours to
find a mate and reproduce before I die. I think I might watch a bit of telly
first though. It looks a bit parky outside.
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Planet Muir can exclusively reveal extracts from the forthcoming TV documentary in which Martin Bashir is given permission to spend several days in the company of top pop star Chesney ‘The One and Only’ Hawkes: DAY 1: SHOPPING Chesney is walking around the shop, in which he is the only customer, accompanied by the store manager and Martin Bashir. Hawkes: "I’ll have that. And that. And ten of those. In fact, I’ll take your whole stock." Bashir: "Chesney, are you sure your house will have room for all these items?" Hawkes: "Sure. I always get lots of things whenever I’m here in Penge. It’s the best Mr Pound there is. Oh look at that painting over there. I’ve just got to have that." Bashir: "But Chesney, are you really sure you can afford it?" Hawkes: "Manager! How much is this picture of the chimp on bog?" Store Manager: "That’s a pound mate. There’s a clue in the name of the shop see?" Bashir: "Excuse me Manager, do you often open especially for Mr Hawkes?" Manager: "Never." Bashir: "Oh. But he is the only person here today and you are escorting him around the premises personally." Manager: "Look mate, there’s no bugger here because it's 3:30 so all the single mums who buy this crap are getting the little-uns from school and I’m only following him around to see he doesn’t nick anything. Now tell him to pay up for all those biros or fuck off." DAY 2: AT HOME Chesney is giving Martin a demonstration of his dancing skills. Hawkes: "And this is what I call the Status Quo dance. You just pretend you’re holding a guitar and nod your head up and down like this." Bashir: "Amazing. You make it look so easy. Now tell me, is there a place you go to write all your amazing songs?" Hawkes: "There sure is. Come with me and I’ll show you." Hawkes shows Bashir out into the garden and they walk to a small brick building. "Here it is. I call it my Giving Khazi. I get all my best ideas here. Do you want to come inside with me?" Bashir: "Er, no thanks." Hawkes: "Oh come on! George Michael didn’t say that." DAY 3: A DAY OUT. HAWKES AND BASHIR ARE ENJOYING A MEAL AT WIMPY. Bashir: "Chesney, looking at the amazing success you’ve had and seeing at first hand your unrivalled talent I can honestly say that you really are The One and Only." Hawkes: "Well thank you Martin. That’s a lovely thing to say." [Voice-over by Bashir: "I didn’t really think that viewers! I think he sucks!"] Bashir: "That’s right. In fact I feel so in awe of you that it almost makes me want to vomit." Hawkes: "Thanks. You’re a great guy." [Bashir voice-over: "I was lying again viewers! Hee hee!"] Bashir: "Chesney, you are famous for having a mole on your chin. Have you ever considered plastic surgery?" Hawkes: "No. Never. Never ever ever." Bashir: "Really? Well maybe you should."
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THE PLANET MUIR ALTERNATIVE AWARDS FOR 2002 It’s awards time again and after much deliberation our panel of expert judges are able to offer their verdicts on last year’s really important events. * MOST FLAGRANT HIJACKING OF A PUBLIC EVENT FOR SELF-PROMOTION * Winner: Queen The staging of a huge advert for the Queen musical at Buckingham Palace, under the guise of a tribute to Her Majesty, was felt by the judges to be the jammiest use of free advertising since, er, Queen made a mint from Live Aid under the guise of raising money for the starving. * MOST INDETERMINATE REALTIONSHIP IN A BAND * Winner: The White Stripes The judges were unanimous in their decision here. Are they married? Are they siblings? Is it both? A unique piece of tittle-tattle which guarantees The Stripes a following of Sunday Sport-reading pervy uncles the breadth of the nation. * MOST INEXPLICABLE OBSESSION WITH A PARTICULAR COLOUR * Winner: The Hives The White Stripes nearly took this accolade too but I – er, I mean the judges - felt that they lost points by allowing themselves a choice of red OR white garments whereas The Hives are always restricted to the black suit-white tie combo, possibly because they don’t need to wash it very often. * MOST EPHERMERAL CAREER IN MUISC * Winner: That bloke who joined Hearsay just before they broke up. Can’t remember his name. * LEAST PROMISING FUTURE * Winner: The Who Gary Glitter was a serious contender here (his suggestion that he record a comeback single with S Club Juniors in a ‘well soundproofed’ studio met with some resistance) but we had to give this to The Who. Save a load of dead bodies being discovered under Roger Daltry’s floorboards, things could hardly go much worse for them. * MOST UNCHARACTERISTIC ACCENT * Winner: The Streets Brummies used to sound like Ozzy Osbourne or Slade. Now, it would seem, it’s hard to tell them from Chas n Dave. * MOST PROTRACTED RELEASE OF A SINGLE * Winner: Electric Six for "Danger! High Voltage" This song had been played on the radio for so long prior to its release (in a failed attempt to get to number 1) that most of the people who had planned to buy it are now in retirement homes where they spend their days rocking back and forth asking "Is it out yet? Is it out yet?" * WORST ALBUM OF THE YEAR * "Other People’s Songs" by Erasure Whereas most songwriters improve with experience, Vince Clark began his career penning great tunes like "Just Can’t Get Enough" and "Only You" then gradually becoming less creative over the years with Erasure until he reached this shameful stage: an album of cover versions. There has rarely been a worse idea than this album. The judges were particularly impressed by the sheer temerity of the concept. Everything that made the original tracks interesting has given way to Vince Clark’s trademark bog standard plinky-plonk Bontempi-organ noises that stopped sounding new 15 years ago. Erasure have become the Richard Clayderman of the pop world. Need we say more?
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Britain was plunged into turmoil last night when the country's rock stars started an eight-day national strike in protest at the state of the pop charts. UNIROC, the rock stars' union, have stated that their members will not return to work until people stop buying records by anyone who has been on Pop Idol. Already the army has been called in to provide cover. Units have been deployed to venues all over the UK as stand-ins for bands. The army has had a limited time in which to prepare. Lance Corporal William Harris of the Queen's Dragoon Guards said that in order to perfectly mimic The Strokes the regiment had to put in no less than 30 minutes of rehearsals. "That was no easy task" the corporal told us. "When the boys realised they were going to have to learn three chords in order to play The Strokes' entire repertoire they were not optimistic about doing so on time but somehow, through sheer determination, they managed to get through." At one venue, during a power cut, Sgt Major Rick Stevens lost his rag and started to swear profusely. Fortunately the audience, who had come to see an Eminem gig, were delighted. Some audiences have reacted badly to the army stand-ins. Children were said to be particularly upset by the failure of the Parachute Regiment to provide sufficiently good imitation of their favourite stars. One music fan who spoke to our reporter said "I was a bit disappointed when I turned up to see The Spice Girls and had to watch three blokes in camouflage instead. Mind you, the one who was doing Mel C was quite convincing." Spectators at a show given by The Happy Mondays were said not to have noticed any difference.
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Following the earthquake that hit
central England in September, rock stars from Eastern Europe have joined
forces to form Quake Aid. Artists as widely revered as Gvoskia and
Numiramskov threw aside their differences to record the song "Do They Know
What's Hit Them?"
Ukranian superstar Boris Goldev and his sidekick Mihail Uri wrote the song after hearing of the devastation via their highly unreliable state-controlled media. "For many years the people of my country have sympathised with the plight of the Brummies." explained Boris. "We thought that we had it bad, what with our mafia-ridden government and potato-only diet but the people of Birmingham put suffering into a new light. First of all they have had to endure seeing Brummie actors being cast only as idiots in sitcoms. Then there's the fact that wherever a Brummie goes he gets people mimicking his accent and expecting him to be amused by hearing the familiar saying "Y'ar-roit? Yower frum Beeerming-hmm!" We also know that Birmingham has long been at the cutting edge of the music industry with many influential acts including Slade, Black Sabbath...um...UB40...er, do Duran Duran count?" Boris continued "We have heard that the epicentre of the quake was in Dudley. This is very sad because it is the home town of Lenny Henry, who is held in high esteem in Eastern Europe. You know his catch-phrase? "Oooooooh-Kaaaaaayyyy!". In the Ukraine we think he is very funny man." The earthquake, which registered as 0.003 on the Richter scale, caused in excess of £25 worth of damage. Many Birmingham residents called emergency services to report the devastation. One of these, Mrs Olive Colon, was in an agitated state: "It was terrible...my prized picture of Dogs Playing Cards fell off the wall and got chipped. Mind you, I don't think I'd hung it up properly" she told reporters outside her home, the remains of which consisted of merely the walls, the floors, the ceiling, the light fittings, the carpets and all the furnishings. "Y'ar-roit? I'm frum Beeerming-hmm!" she added.
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HOW TO BE A ROCK JOURNALIST
1. The title of an article about a band should always include a reference to the band's name, ideally a pun. 2. Drastically alter the transcript of interviews with bands so that however unintelligible a bunch of cretins they are, they will always come across on paper as having something interesting to say. 3. Refer to new bands either as being a cross between two existing ones or by using the formula x = y on z, where x is the name of the artist or band being described, y is an established artist or band and z is a type of drug. For instance, you could say "BRMC are like The Stooges on acid", "The Music are like the Manics on ecstasy", "Shed 7 are like Johnny Hates Jazz on paracetamol" etc. 4. Make sure you use at least one totally unnecessary "fuck" per article. 5. Get in a dig at any kind of perceived authority figures (i.e. anyone with a job outside the music industry). 6. Confidently brand every half decent band that comes as The Most Important Band This Year. Do this at least once every three months. 7. Suggest that the new single by The Tosspots genuinely stands a chance of starting a revolution that will unseat the Government. 8. Have a regular column in which you take supposedly humorous / perceptive digs at various bands and music biz people, which invariably reveal you to be bitter and resentful about not being a pop star. Er... Fuck.
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BREAKING NEWS: In a startling exposé that will shake the music industry to its foundations (again), it has been revealed that the drummer from Shed 7 enjoyed illicit sex sessions fuelled by banned substances in a luxury hotel room with a prostitute. This will come as a huge shock to the public, who will be surprised to discover that the band is still going. The drummer, whose name is Dave or perhaps Steve or something, was said to have booked a room at the Skegness Happy Holiday B&B where he gorged himself on several handfuls of Space Dust - illegal in Britain since the late 1970s - in the company of £25-a-night high-class hooker Gertrude Kray. Ms Kray, 53, poured out her heart to soundsxp: "I really thought we had something special, me and Mike - or was it Simon? Anyway, he made me believe that our love was something that would last. But when he told me he had to go because his girlfriend might be waiting for him I just felt used. By the way, dear, if you want the full works it'll be ten quid but I don't take me top off and you'll have to be finished in five minutes cos I've got three other customers waiting. Yeah, high class, that's me alright." When confronted outside his home, Phil - or whatever he's called - shamefully denied any knowledge of the event and had even dyed his skin a different colour in order to throw our reporter off the scent. When pressed he said "Hey, you're that bloke who always hangs round knocking shops pretending to be a reporter aren't you? They say you promise the girls a bit of fame if you can get your rocks off for half price." Disgusted by this outrageous accusation, our reporter made his excuses and left, before visiting Gertrude again for, er, further confirmation of her story. Shed 7's hits include Going for Gold and [note to sub-Editor: for Christ's sake get someone to find out what other hits they had. I'm sure there was at least one other one. I've asked everyone in the office and the best they could come up with was "I Don't Wanna Be A Hero" but I think that was Brother Beyond or some other tossers. Try the Internet or something. I'm desperate!]
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YOKO ONO TO SELL
ULTIMATE LENNON MEMORABILIA Following the auctioning of numerous items
owned by her deceased husband John Lennon (most recently a photograph of his
bloodstained glasses taken after he was gunned down in New York in 1980) it
had been thought that Yoko Ono had exhausted every avenue of the Lennon
Memorial business, with nothing left to sell. However, Ono has just
announced her intention to auction off one last remaining item: Lennon’s
skeleton. According to Ono, the sale is aimed at
encouraging world peace. A press release by her office states: “At last,
Lennon’s fans will be able to feel closer to him than ever before. And by
dispersing his body to the four corners of the globe, we hope that the
people of the world will all be touched by his love. Reserve prices start at
just $299. Part of the profits will be donated to orphaned donkeys in Africa
or something.” The press release continues: “Each bone will
be individually presented in its own miniature silk-lined coffinette, the
lid engraved in 24-carat gold with the word ‘piece’.” It is not clear
whether this is a spelling mistake. It continues: “The lucky owners of the
bones will receive a certificate of authenticity signed by musical genius
Yoko Ono herself as well as a free copy of Sean Lennon’s last album - a move
which will help the environment as it means we won’t have to burn all those
unsold copies and release noxious fumes.” ELTON'S TOUCHING TRIBUTE Following the success of his new version of
Candle in the Wind as a tribute to Diana, Princess of Wales, royal favourite
Sir Elton John has re-recorded another of his songs in honour of the Queen
Mother, who died away recently at the tragically young age of 101. Elton
spoke about his shock on hearing the news. "I was in the Jacuzzi doing me
nails" he said "When David runs in screaming 'The old Queen's dead!' so I
said 'Well you look very much alive to me dear' and he said 'Ooh, you cheeky
cow' and I said 'Ere, I'll slap yer wrists' and he said...[camp discourse
truncated due to tediousness - Editor]...so as a tribute to the Queen
Mum I decided to get Bernie to re-write the words to one of my fabulous
hits. It took us a while to decide which one it should be because we wanted
something appropriate. On the shortlist we had "Saturday's Alright for
Knighting" and "V2 Rocket Man" but we finally decided on "Blue Blood, Baby's
Got Blue Blood". It'll be a double A-side with a track from my new album,
which was selling perfectly well enough before I had this idea; only last
week it outsold Mick Jagger’s latest.” All fives members of The Hives were
tragically killed in north London yesterday. They had been posing for a
photograph on the famous zebra crossing outside Abbey Road recording studios
but their distinctive black and white outfits rendered them invisible to
oncoming traffic. An eyewitness said "It serves them right for being so
bloody unoriginal. I mean, posing on the Abbey Road crossing. Wow! Like no
one's ever thought of that before." The Hives leave several honeycombs and a
million grubs.
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| There has recently been much excitement in Zimbabwe as the country's own version of Pop Idol nears its conclusion. Of the initial contestants only four now remain: Robert Mugabe Jnr, Hasanah Jongwe, Gogo Akilah and Darius. No one is quite sure how Darius managed to make it to the final of yet another contest, especially one in a foreign country, but his decision to 'black up' for the event and to take elecution lessons on how to speak like a black person from Jim Davidson was considered to be a masterstroke. Darius has, however, been beaten up several times by gangs of 'war veterans'. "How they rumbled my disguise I'll never know" he said. The war veterans' leader was keen to point out that their dislike of Darius was not because he was white: "We just can't stand Burt Bacharach" he explained. In the initial stage of the contest, candidates were eliminated by a panel of judges which including a bluntly spoken TV executive dubbed 'Nasty Nkrumah' by the tabloids. A final ten were left and each week the public were asked to vote to ejected one person from the competition. It was declared by the President, whose son happens to be one of the candidates, that voting would take place in polling booths for which voters would have to have registered two years before the contest started. Polling Stations would be set up in selected branches of Mugabe and Son DIY stores, Mugabe & Mugabe clothing retailers and McMugabe Burgers. There has been some suggestion that the voting process has not been free and fair although it was not possible to investigate these claims as the people who made the criticisms have had their lips stapled together. Some candidates chose to sing modern Western melodies such as Unchained Melody, I Will Always Love You or Windowlicker, whist others stayed with more traditional African songs, such as the ever-popular "Um Bongo, Um Bongo, They Drink It In the People's Democratic Republic of the Congo." The contest continues. |
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HOW TO BE AN ALTERNATIVE ROCK GOD
The last point is the only guaranteed way to achieve Alternative Rock God status. Unless you are the drummer from Lush.
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BRITAIN`S STUPIDEST PUNTERS Hilarious CCTV footage from record shops showing customers doing ridiculous things. This week`s edition includes a woman buying a Puff Daddy record and a man arguing that Level 42 had some merit. ROCK HEROES This week Marilyn Manson on how Chas n Dave influence his work. "These guys just blew the whole music scene apart" says Mr Manson, "I Don`t Care If She Comes `Round `Ere" says it all. It`s the ultimate expression of nihilism in the face of alienation. THE KRAFTWERK KIDS More hijinks with those jolly Germans. This week Ralph, Florian, Karl and Wolfgang decide to stand very still in front of their keyboards. WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? Clive Anderson and a celebrity panel have to guess the identity of the rock drug abuser only by viewing their next ready-to-sniff pile. THROUGH THE K-HOLE Comedy-voiced yank LLoyd Grossman reads out the crazed lyrics from various rock stars` "psychadelic" periods while another celebrity panel has to guess exactly what sort of substance has produced these unique insights. FILM:TERMINATOR 3 Arnold Schwarzeneaggar is given the opportunity to travel back in time to change just one key moment in history and wisely chooses to travel back a few decades to stop Pete Waterman being born.
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NB: This e-mail has been translated from Zigazilian into English by Alex Muir E-mail from
Zigazig R Greetings from
this side of the Universe!
Here's the
latest music news from my home Zigazig R, the 18th planet in the Zigazig
system. Main news at
the moment is a new album from one of the biggest stars in our galaxy,
Maalip Jabbajar. He is a Klervurp with a very high voice - so high in fact
that only life-forms living in sector 99-V are able to hear him. Maalip is a
strange and tragic figure because although he was born with green skin (the
standard colour for Klervurps) he has gradually become more and more purple
over the years. He has also gone in for extensive plasmatronic surgery and
has had so much of his body removed that scientists have now managed to put
the removed pieces together to make a Maalip lookalike (generally considered
to be better looking than the real thing) which is making a living by
opening megamarkets. Maalip lives in a mansion with a pet Eicklop. A holovision
show aimed at finding the next superstar has been a big hit with the public.
Beings came from light years around to participate. One of the more popular
contestants has been Dagazux from Zigazig S, whose nine heads allowed him to
sing some amazing harmonies. However, his rendition of the popular song "Zap
Me Earthling One More Nanasecond" was thought to have been rather over the
top.
A similar
competition last year led to the creation of a successful group, Hxz'wkq"oo-p.
This comprised of five members (one of each gender), who achieved great
sales despite lack of critical acclaim. Now one of them has left, although
personally I couldn't give a mnuclopid cekk. Alternative
music on Zigazig R is very exciting at the moment. One of the biggest names
is Vertex Quintuplet. Vertex is a multi-celled lifeform who makes sounds
from parts of old matter transporters and photon torpedos and by processing
the sounds of gurgleblurp beasts in heat. He's attracting a good fan base
and may soon even achieve the success of the low-key singer/songwriter
Incorrectly Rematerialised Male who last year received the prestigious Alpha
Centauri Music Prize.
I recently saw
one of the oldest groups in the Zigazig system, The Eek, who My personal
preference is for music that is performed telepathically, but there aren't
too many venues that will allow such shows since the tragic performance by
the telepathic Uranium-alloy band Z~Voik melted the brains of the entire
audience and - much to the stadium owner's consternation - urinated in a pot
plant. That's all for
now. See you in 14 days - or, as we say on Zigazig R - a fortnight! These
crazy expressions we use must be very baffling for you! May all your microprocessors function correctly. Xali
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| Muir witterings from Alex soon. |
