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It's time we took out the garbage one more time...

Football - I love the game but where do you start with what's wrong with it at the moment. Champions League domination, agents, Russian zillionaire owners dictating who wins what, irresponsible greedy players, etc

Beans and eggs mixing their juices - literally sounds like a saucy double-entendre but this is serious. The two should be on opposite sides of the plate.

ITV - was bad enough when it existed as a single channel now, it has at least three crap spin-offs on freeview.

Beer in venues - much discussed on here but the ubiquitous Carling and its pish equivalents should be banished to beer hell. I accept expecting handpulled real ale's unlikely in a venue due to the overhead of looking after it but offering just one decent bottled ale can't be impossible. Sadly it's all about discounts from the big brewers than choice for the customer.

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If Ian Curtis had lived, and enjoyed the ale…

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Ex-Liverpool football pundits. Every time Liverpool are on TV (which is a lot) the commentary box and studio becomes crowded with their former players. They try to keep a lid on their bias, but the match is always seen from a Liverpool point of view - so it’s always “can Liverpool come back?” and never “can Bolton hold on?”. Plus, with the exception (sometimes) of Hansen, they’re all shite.

John Motson. A) His “statto” persona has clearly become a source of vanity and pride; b) he speaks to the viewers as if they were morons; and c) he’s one of the least observant people on the planet. Truly abysmal.

Phone sales calls. They ring you up, put you on hold and then ask you how you are before they’ve identified themselves. Which dickwit thought that would be an effective sales ploy? And the worst thing is you end up getting shirty with some poor Indian bloke who’s reading off a script and earning about 20p an hour.

The “Injury Lawyers 4 You” ad. You know: the one where some stony-faced harridan goes all “Ann Robinson” on an actor pretending to be an injury lawyer. It’s a piss-poor attempt to make us feel sympathetic towards a bunch of scum-sucking ambulance chasers. And the harridan never even asks the question the whole world is waiting to hear: “why don’t you get a less morally offensive job - herding children into ovens, for example?”

Those BP ads. “We asked a golden-hearted London cabbie how to solve environmental problems”. Cabbie: “I fink we should leave it all to faceless, grasping, multi-national petroleum corporations. They’ll tell us what to do, guv’nor.” This ad sets a new standard for sheer bare-faced cheek.

Rock festivals. Death camps without the fringe benefits of regular exercise and a low-fat diet. “Hey, let’s stand in mud for three days, eat shitburgers, wave an inflatable banana and watch some preening show-pony on a giant screen coz we’re too far away to see anything properly - Vic McGlynn said it’d be really, really fun…”

Software that knows better than you. Look, Microsoft Word, stop trying to second-guess my intentions. When I write “shitburger” I honestly don’t mean “hamburger”. And if you were really so smart you’d have stopped “correcting” the word once I’d changed it back about fifty times.

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Life is what happens when you are busy making plans - John Winston Lennon

I may have alzheimers but atleast I don't have alzheimers - ?

Madonna.

Apart from the fact that she makes crap music and likes to wear tweed and shoot things there's this congestion charge thing. She lives in central London, she doesn't need to even own a car and it's not like she's short of a few bob for a taxi home, does she think complaining about the congestion charge makes her a *real* Londoner??

This could take a while...

Wayne Rooney - playing for Everton, then Man United and looking like a potato is not likely to endear anyone to me

Football pundits who have never played for Liverpool

People who inflict Bon Jovi on me at parties

The Lucy Show - wankers

Tunbridge Wells - a dull place to live, although Shane MacGowan was born here (yay)

People who use the fact that "political correctness has gone mad" as an excuse to be ridiculously racist/homophobic/mad/conservative - again, wankers

Unicycles - have always freaked me out, and I've never quite been sure why

Hmmm, thats all I can think of at the moment. Clearly I'm not as full of hate and spite as I thought I was

You're not even allowed to be ridiculously racist/homophobic/mad/conservative without being called a wanker these days. It's political correctness gone mad! I blame the so-called Guardian.

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Genre Music is the Enemy

Glory seeking football fans - You're from Walthamstow so naturally you support... Manchester Utd...

Part time footy fans - Every two years during the summer these buffoons suddenly become an authority on the game. Yes, it's the Euro Chapionships/World Cup Finals and everyone's an expert on Beckham's free kicks and the merits of 4-4-2, 4-4-1-1 or for the truly ignorant, 4-5-1-2... Trying to find a pub in central London where you're not surrounded by these ignorants tnucs is nigh on impossible though...

People who try to gain credit for qualities they don't have purely based on where they are from.... or worse ones who adopt a stereotype that is highly undesirable....

Repackaged albums - I don't mind the odd reissue where 6 B-sides, say, of old 7" singles that hadn't previously appeared on CD appear at the end but demos of tracks or worse still, instrumentals, is taking the piss.

Tree blossom - Looks nice. Makes my eyes sting. No contest. In you go.

Dogs - Hmmm could be contentious here and I know it's not the dogs fault, it's their owners, but they often smell and they shit everywhere including pavements and football pitches. The other day we had to clear 6 turds off a pitch before we could kick off a Sunday morning match. Give me a cat or badger any day.

Squirrels - Rats with bushy tails. Destroy every bird seed feeder I put out, even "squirrel proof" ones. Cunts. And one of the bastards lived in my loft for a while and ate my only, er, art vid (a Greek pirate of the uncensored version of Caligula. Will I ever see that dwarf get gobbled again? )

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Jarvis Cocker or David Bowie or AVB or Johnny Borrell, she isn't picky

Cavey Cocker, Cup Cake Queen, Saint Thomas.

I'm angry and bored. Time to vent:

Revolving doors - The most pointless entrance mechanism ever created. You wait like a dick for your window of opportunity to get in, then when you are in you can't gauge the speed of the rotation meaning the bastard thing bashes you on the heels just as you're about to get out meaning you enter the building sliding on your arse. Oh, and they're always broken. Good job...

London cyclists - Yes aren't you all nice and smug doing your "bit for the environment" and breathing in all of the smoggy air. Still, if you're so bloody clever would it kill you to read the Highway Code once in a while? Really, A RED LIGHT DOES NOT INDICATE YOUR RIGHT OF WAY, DICKHEAD. And if you're gonna berate me for stepping into your cycle path to avoid a passed out tramp on my walk to work, PLEASE don't tut at me when I force you to swerve to avoid me if you're cycling in the pedestrian bit. You don't own the fucking road AND THE COUNCIL BUILT YOU YOUR OWN LANE! Gaaaah...

That cunt who writes seemingly everything on Drowed in Sound these days - Wassiz name, Mike Diver or something? Look, that site used to be good before your suffocated it with your sycophantic overly emotive writing and your complete sarcastic abject snobbery dripping off every article. Look, it's indier-than-thou twats like YOU who make people hate ME. Seriously, give it a rest...

People not locking their mobile phones - Not a problem for most of you. Thing is, I am always either the first or last person in people's phones under 'A' or 'W' meaning I am only 2 buttons away from an accidental phonecall. Seriously, I do not like being woken up at 3am by you out on the piss when you've sat on your phone with your big fat arse in a taxi. I do not like receiving 45 blank texts from you 'cos the send button on your phone is banging against a coin in your pocket. Now, sort it aaaat!

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.

Seetickets - yes, they're an obvious and constant problem but they made my blood boil once more yesterday. They were the only outlet selling tickets for Low's gig as part of the Don't Look Back season and were merrily fleecing people for £6.80 on top of the £17.50 face value. Fucking cunts.

I stuck to my principles and deided I was willing to miss the gig rather than get done by the fuckers. Happily last night, Wegottickets put a batch on sale, adding a far more palatable £1.75 and I now get to see my favourite Low album being performed

I'll see you there Enid. I shat myself with joy when I saw that listed...

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.

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Jarvis Cocker or David Bowie or AVB or Johnny Borrell, she isn't picky

Cavey Cocker, Cup Cake Queen, Saint Thomas.

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Tall, moustachioed alcoholic - plays firewood with a bow.

People who say Absolutely in response to everything. It's driving me mad!

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If Ian Curtis had lived, and enjoyed the ale…

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