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Here is my theory.

Tom Cruise is infertile. He cannot have children. Nicole Kidman falls pregnant. Cruise knows its not his, and knows it is the lovechild of Russell Crowe. Cruise and Kidman divorce.

Cruise struggles to stay in relationships because of his infertility. People begin to think he is gay. This, to him, is embarrassing but he can't stay single for much longer. He forms a pact with Katie Holmes. Both want to simultaneously promote their movies, which are released at the same time. Cruise jumps on some sofas. Holmes wears a big ring. Their movies are successful but people question their motives. Only a baby will quash rumours that their love is for show.

Tom Cruise, however, is infertile. This poses something of a problem.

Problem solved:



I'm not a woman but even I know that it is impossible for her thighs, arms, breasts and face to be unchanged by pregnancy. Katie Holmes is not pregnant in this picture. She never was. Somehow though, a baby was apparently born and hidden away for four months.

Bollocks.

Firstly, anyone who refuses to let a child out of the house for that amount of time ought to be locked up for child abuse.

Which means they must have taken it out at some point and Tom Cruise is nowhere near powerful enough to have an injuction order against Paparazzi to prevent the child being photographed. David Beckham cannot prevent it. The Royal Family cannot prevent it. Michael Jackson could never prevent it. People will take photos and they will make it into the press.

The child never existed. The child on the cover of Vanity Fair isn't theirs (It's half oriental for crying out loud!)

I will bet good money on them pretending to hide it away again and announcing that it has died of a terminal disease in the very near future, when both have films out again. What with Tom's recent split from Paramount, he will need a bit of public sympathy to give weight to his new production company.

This is the most blatant sham of all time.

You forgot the allegedly bit!

I feckin hate Cruise. I seriously want to stick his scientolology crap right up his feckin arse then stick Hubbards other rubbish up even further. Playmobil sized tosser.

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If Ian Curtis had lived, and enjoyed the ale…

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Mmm (twiddles tasche) Columbo is wetting his slacks over this case. I know for a fact that Lt Ron Hubbard would never have approved of the Vanity Fair fiasco - If part of his whacko philosophy is stop the alien within the child from being polluted from outside forces (are you still with me? Because i'm not) why would he allow that same child to sell it's soul to the media - 'Yes what we're going to do is isolate the child for the first three months - even the mother can't see it - the fucker can feed and change itself - it's an alien after all (What's that? The NSPCC are on the line? Tell them i'm out) and then we'll whore it to the highest bidder. Mmm, now i'm not the brainiest person in the world but can anybody else see a loose link in his philosophical/religious chunky, bling chain? I smell bullshit and it's coming from - Can I quote you Bola as I love it - the 'Playmobil sized tosser'

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Jarvis Cocker or David Bowie or AVB or Johnny Borrell, she isn't picky

Cavey Cocker, Cup Cake Queen, Saint Thomas.

Theres only one victim in this case:

Dawson

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Tall, moustachioed alcoholic - plays firewood with a bow.

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.

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Looks like Elijah Wood. Supports Liverpool. Likes Coldplay.