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was out with a mate last night who's very, very brainy. he's also very creative. thinking about it, a lot of people i know are very talented or skilled in one way or another. which made me start wondering, what am i good at?

quite a depressing train of thought, because i've realised:

i can't cook
i can't drive
i can't swim
i can't sing
i can't sew
i can't knit
i can't draw
i still don't know how to download music
i can't remember anything, ever
I can't read will self books without a dictionary

really, i could go on.

but anyway, i started to think, surely, there has to be something i can do.

and all i could come up with, is:

i can dance fairly well
i can make poo jokes at will
i can poo at will
i can do sheep impressions
i can wrap my left arm round my head and touch my left ear (try it, not easy!)
i can put my feet behind my head

and erm, that's about it!

give me another year or so, and i'm hoping i'll be able to add 'i can play the guitar' to that list. (am due to have my third lesson with mr dookerdoo tomorrow, the poor bastard!).

so, tell me, what skills do you lovelies have?

I'm a good cook.

I used to belch the alphabet in one go.

Er.....

i can bounce a frisbee off the ground and catch it between my legs and a variety of other tricksy disco volante related things.

i can swim like a dolphin-boy hybrid

i can do a wicked bob dylan impression

i can communicate to a reasonable extent in indonesian

i have an exhaustive knowledge of the history of the fender telecaster

i know quite a lot about birds and marine biology

i can reverse park a van using only the wing mirrors

i have a degree in philosophy

i can make homely old school things like caulliflower cheese from scratch

i can ride a tricycle rickshaw on two wheels

i do a passable version of the bear necessities from the jungle book

i can work the taps with my toes

i can understand drunk people with thick scottish accents

eat a whole baguette in one sitting


things i CAN'T do:


ollie a skateboard

get my hott and slightly aloof french flatmate to fancy me

speak a forreign langauge properly (anyone who's tried a bit of indo will know that there anly 5 conversations actually possible in indonesian so that doesn't really count)

do crosswords

feign interest in football convincingly

kick a ball without a 50% chance it will end up behind me

read a tabloid newspaper without wanting to kill everyone even partly responsible for it's publication

communicate with animals

turn down a pint

remember any of my pointless degree

wear sunglasses without feeling self-conscious

draw hands

read bass cleff

be bothered to figure out recording music on my computer

whistle between my fingers

do somersaults on a trampoline

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Back off Warchild, seriously.

http://elvers.bandcamp.com/

I can't whistle

I can't swallow a tablet

I can't swim (in my defence though I have a perforated eardrum and am not allowed near water)

I can't take a girl on a date without ending up being much other than mates if its someone I like.

I can't not defend Oasis if people slag them off even though deep down I know they aren't all that

I can't decide what I want to do with my life

I can't muster up the enthusiasm or funds to move to London even though I lose the lions share of 20 hours a week commuting

on the plus side ...

I have no problems with self confidence and meeting new people, to me the most important thing needed to enjoy life

I am relatively well educted, my degree in business and geography only really lends itself to being a taxi driver though, knowing where to go and what to charge

I can drive, I did fail 7 (this would be spelt out on the vidiprinter) tests though.

I have never fallen out with anyone, male, female or otherwise

I don't mind acting the fool at any time as the numerous incriminating photos various mates have accumulated over the years

I can fend for my myself

I won an international knowledge competition in a topic that I would never reveal to anyone for fear of ridicule

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Life is what happens when you are busy making plans - John Winston Lennon

I may have alzheimers but atleast I don't have alzheimers - ?

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and remember, I am a Cuckoo

i can:

whilst standing, drop an ice cube from by clenched buttocks into a half pint glass sitting on the floor

i can't:

look after myself

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If Ian Curtis had lived, and enjoyed the ale…

- -

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Tall, moustachioed alcoholic - plays firewood with a bow.

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Genre Music is the Enemy

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Jarvis Cocker or David Bowie or AVB or Johnny Borrell, she isn't picky

Cavey Cocker, Cup Cake Queen, Saint Thomas.

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and remember, I am a Cuckoo

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and remember, I am a Cuckoo

I can't ...

Be macho
Be sexually threatening
Be bothe................

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I made my mind up back in Chelsea, when I go I'm going like Elsie