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An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon.
Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window
'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.
'Fu*king get in there you cunt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu*king manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you
cock sucking cunt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fu*king fat ass piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fu*king audition...wanker!'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his
dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic.
At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed fu*king twat, was called 'Excuse me prime minister but I just jizzed in your fu*king daughter's eye, and now the cunt's blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less lively maybe?'
'Wanker...' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears.
The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little
number was called 'Sometimes when you fu*k a bird up the shit box you get crap on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'
'Well there's my jazz number 'Do you want me to spit your ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I don't give a fu*k if you're older my dear, you've still got fu*king cracking jugs'.
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist
but the title of your songs are a little racy. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'
'Fu*k it' says the pianist 'Why cunting not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his
repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage.
During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he
decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his load
he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back
to the stage and finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.
'Hi' she says. '
Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?'
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her
square in the eye and yells 'Know it? - 'I fu*king wrote it!!'
_________________
I made my mind up back in Chelsea, when I go I'm going like Elsie
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