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 Post subject: Darts commentary
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 11:02 am 
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Bola on the bongos
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Joined: Wed Mar 03, 2004 3:52 pm
Posts: 2148
Location: Camden
Some of these are awesome

>>Some Darts commentary choice:
>>
>>"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there

>>were no more worlds to conquer. Bristow's only 27."
>>"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi
Arabia."
>>"If we'd had Phil Taylor at Hastings against the Normans, they'd have
gone
>>home."
>>"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"
>>"You couldn't get more excitement here if Elvis Presley walked in
eating a
>>chip sandwich!"
>>"He's playing out of his pie crust."
>>"He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave."
>>"He's been burning the midnight oil at both ends."
>>"Darts players are probably a lot fitter than most footballers in
overall
>>body strength."
>>"Trying to read Reyes's mind is like trying to read the mind of Jabba
the
>>Hutt"
>>"These guys look calm but inside they are as nervous as a vampire who
>>knows there's a sale at the wooden stake shop in the morning."
>>
>>"That was like watching Popeye when he found his spinach!"
>>"He's as twitchy as a frog in a blender"
>>"He's going like the Loch Ness Monster with a following wind!"
>>"Keith Deller is like Long John Silver - he's badly in need of another

>>leg."
>>"He looks as happy as a scorpion who's just had a pedicure!"
>>"Eyes like a pterodactyl....with contact lenses"
>>"Cliff Lazarenko's jumping up and down like a gorilla saying "give me
back
>>my banana!"
>>On Bobby George - "He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming
down a
>>mountain!"
>>"He's twitching more than a one legged ferret!"
>>"He's moving with the purpose of a Panzer Division"
>>"He may practice 12 hours a day, but he's not shy of the burger van!"
>>"He's like Jack The Ripper on a Friday night."
>>"He's got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice."
>>"Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of
>>Waterworld."
>>"Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn't have done any

>>better than this."
>>"It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips

>>with his steak."
>>"That Lad could through 180 standing one legged in a hammock."
>>"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"
>>"It's just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair."
>>
>>"This is the clash that makes King Kong versus Godzilla look like a
>>chimpanzees tea party!"
>>
>>"That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!"
>>"He's about as predictable as a Wasp on speed."
>>"Look at the man go, it's like trying to stop a water buffalo with a
>>pea-shooter!"
>>"The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in ,with a portion of
>>chips....... you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them"
>>"Big Cliff Lazarenko's idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the
>>windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy."
>>
>>"Look at him as he takes his stance, like he has been sculptured,
whereas
>>Bobby George, with his bad back, looks like the Hunchback of Notre
Dame."
>>"He's playing like Robin Hood in the Nottingham super league/"
>>"They've got Shakespeare on Radio 2 but you can't beat this for
drama."
>>"It's like trying to pin down a kangaroo on a trampoline."
>>"Well as giraffes say, you don't get no leaves unless you stick your
neck
>>out."
>>"His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch."
>>"That's like giving Dracula the keys to the blood bank."
>>"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here."
>>"He is as slick as minestrone soup."
>>"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the
>>Christians to the Lions."
>>"Phil Taylor's got the consistency of a planet ... and he's in a darts

>>orbit!"
>>"The atmosphere is a cross between the Munich Beer Festival and the
>>Coliseum when the Christians were on the menu."
>>"Jockey Wilson, he comes from the valleys and he's chuffing like a
>>choo-choo train!"
>>"He's planting those arrows with the accuracy of a couple of
>>inter-continental ballistic missiles."
>>"Bob Anderson ... looking like Lee van Cleef on a bad night!"
>>"Steve Beaton, he's not Adonis, he's THE donis"
>>"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out
there!"
>>"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory."
>>"This lad has more checkouts than Tescos."

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 12:07 pm 
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Kev's growler tester

Joined: Sun Jan 16, 2005 7:40 pm
Posts: 947
Location: rambo's shed
yes, but none are as amusing as: 'iiiiiiiin one, iiiiiiin two, and bully's special prrrrize!'


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 1:08 pm 
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Fella in codpiece with curly mullet
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Location: Legra, Ēastseaxe
Bullseye - A credit to the nation. and currently being repeated on Challenge TV (I'm skint - cannot afford to go out!)

My fave was when "fat" Tony comes to the board. Jim Bowen tells the Contestants that Tony is there to help. He always said the same thing which was "take your time". Sound advice or what?

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 2:08 pm 
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Mute with Roland who avoids eye contact
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Joined: Mon Jul 14, 2003 3:05 pm
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Bullseye - the best bit was when Jim Bowen asked a contestant what he did for a living. 'I'm unemployed'. And what does our Jim say? 'Great, smashing, super'. Wassock.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 2:29 pm 
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Wurzel's moth felcher
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Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 2:53 pm
Posts: 3254
Location: The East End of London
Are most of those quotes from the great Sid Waddell? A surprisingly intelligent man I have to say...

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 3:59 pm 
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Mosh Monster

Joined: Mon Jan 19, 2004 5:50 pm
Posts: 129
Phlegmy Toad wrote:
Bullseye - the best bit was when Jim Bowen asked a contestant what he did for a living. 'I'm unemployed'. And what does our Jim say? 'Great, smashing, super'. Wassock.


I believe it was 'Super, Smashing, Great'. But I agree he could have just read a script each week such was his interest in the contestants.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:06 pm 
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Kev's growler tester

Joined: Sun Jan 16, 2005 7:40 pm
Posts: 947
Location: rambo's shed
i once knew a man who had a bendy bully.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 4:52 pm 
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Mute with Roland who avoids eye contact
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Posts: 590
Location: Essex
pol pot noodle wrote:
i once knew a man who had a bendy bully.


Never heard it called a bully before. :wink:


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 5:07 pm 
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Cocker's trouser zip fiddler
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Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2003 5:18 pm
Posts: 3868
Location: Tralfamadore
pol pot noodle wrote:
i once knew a man who had a bendy bully.


I had one of those bullies once (not that I've even been on Bully but I was a darter in my youth).

My sister was also taught by Jim Bowen (when he was a teacher and still called Whitaker). Friends saw him live on the local club circuit. Apparently he came very close to getting a battering as part of his act then was to slag off members of his audience. He made the mistake of pointing out that a woman in the front row had "tits like fried eggs", just as her (brick shithouse-like) husband was coming back from the bar. He quickly apologised....


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