Obviously, 2009 was a piss-poor year for indie music. Lame folkies, unconvincing rockers, abysmal 80s synth-pop revivalists - they all proliferated far more abundantly than the swine flu pandemic I hoped would wipe out mankind (yet another let-down, damn you Nature!). But who were the very worst acts? The ones who, in a year of general drossiness, were able to stand up boldly and say, "NO! We're MUCH worse than those other guys!"?
Well, here's my bottom 10. I'm sure you'll have your own ideas.
10. 'New Fang' by Them Shit Vultures. The band totally lived up to the name that, er, I've just invented for them.
9. 'Walking on a Dream' by Empire of the Sun. Dreary, whiny little cunt. JG Ballard died of shame when he heard this.
8. 'Know Your Enemy' by Green Day. Fake Brit accents? Check! Drably-derivative punk sound? Check! By-the-numbers political cliches? Check! Celebrating 100 years of missing the point of punk....
7. Elbow. Did they do anything in 2009? It matters not; they're on the list and so they should be.
6. 'Farewell to the Fairground' by White Lies. Oh fuck off. It's not 1983, ok?
5. 'Doubt' by Delphic. Speaking of 1983, proof that Newordaphilia can be taken too far. Heard them being interviewed the other day and they had the sheer neck to claim they were trying to break from Manchester's musical past. So how come on Jools Holland they dressed like, posed like, and were even lit like an early eighties' New Order gig?
4. All of Jack White's unspeakably boring vanity projects. From cutting-edge indie-darling to pompous rock bore in the twinkling on an eye. What a journey it has been....
3. 'The Never Ending Whine' by Placebo. Worst. Song. Title. Ever. And for once the music lived down to that title.
2. 'In for the Kill' by La Roux. Features a vocal so eye-wateringly bad it makes Dido sound like Subo.
1. 'Kingdom of Rust' by Doves. The avalanche of hype this dreary nonsense received from the Beeb was a sure sign it was going to be shit. But even the most ardent of pessimists couldn't have expected it to be quite so pompously, blandly, dispiritingly shit. Good effort, guys.
Album of the year: 'Mile of Smug' by The Wootton Bassetts
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