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Back in the day, miserable old Ulsterman Van Morrison had a reputation so bad that very few people wanted to work with him, and his career was entering freefall. Step forward Cliff Richard, the Ned Flanders of the record industry (albeit creepier) and his offer of a duetting role on the Jesus love-fest single 'Whenever God Shines His Light'.

Cliff recorded his vocal and headed out of the studio with a cheery wink to the glowering Man and an upbeat, "Hey, yeah, I'll see YOU in the charts, OK?" before moving his leathery grin to the nearby tennis courts. As the door shut the ever-cheerful Morrison shouted, "I fucking hope not, you CLUELESS CUNT!"

Our mole, whose brother was on the scene when this happened, sums it up perfectly: "Taciturn, contrary and happy to bite the hand that feeds. Van, I salute you."

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Life's But A Walking Shadow

Oh, I'm a moody so-and-so sometimes. (Point of information: international semaphore uses the exact same sequence of flags for "moody so-and-so" and "hopeless drunk" - fact!)

It's good to be back.