These sentences allegedly appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services (though quite where they were compiled is another matter):
The Fasting & Prayer Conference will include meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight:
"Searching for Jesus."
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help
they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"Statistics: Posted by Bovine Juice — Mon Mar 20, 2006 3:17 pm
]]>